The Threadgill's Troubadours featuring Warren Hood

Couldn't you just eat him up?

Ranting to the words of Hank Williams III...

...Well, I think I'd rather eat the barrel,
Of a double-barrel loaded shotgun,
Than to hear that shit they call pop-country music,
On ninety-eight-point-one.

I could be wrong, but I don't think anyone says it better.


Tune into one of those country music stations (Radio is so dead.) and it's the intellectual equivalent of cotton candy, nothing but a sea of vapid insipidness. We endure either the zany antics of the Redneck Woman ... (For the record, Gretchen, leaving your Christmas lights on year round and saying, "Hell yeah," does not qualify for redneck status. Stab your boyfriend in the neck with a fork, then maybe we've got something.)

... or the utter emasculation of manhood:

And I know in the big picture
I'm just a speck of sand
and God's got better things to do
than look out for one man.
I know he's heard my prayers
cause he hears everything,
he just ain't answered back
or he'd bring you back to me.
God must be busy.

Ahhh, Brooks and Dunn? You're such pussies.

And while I'm on the subject, in keeping with the utter lameness of what passes for Nashville music, no cliched urban phrase may ever be claimed by a country singer until all shred of what might have once passed for cool is wrung out of it so that even your parents are well enough aware to banish it from their vocabulary, and won't use it even in an ironic sense.

As Trace Adkins croons, "...that honky tonk badonkadonk..."

I predict that in 2010, some Nashville songwriter will pen a song which will feature "Fo' shizzle, ma nizzle." As in, perhaps, "...Her steak can really sizzle" Seriously.

Aren't there any ... Oh, what's the word? ... Stirring? Provocative? ... country music songs out there anymore? Aren't there any real songwriters left in Nashville?

Well, as Hank Williams III (God bless his genes) tells us, "They're too busy kissin' ass on music row."

Or as Kev Russell of The Gourds once put it to his fans, "Nashville is the Death Star and Austin is the Federation Rebel Base."

Shimmy, shimmy cocoa puff, Dog.