...Well, I think I'd rather eat the barrel,
Of a double-barrel loaded shotgun,
Than to hear that shit they call pop-country music,
On ninety-eight-point-one.
I could be wrong, but I don't think anyone says it better.
Tune into one of those country music stations (Radio is so dead.) and it's the intellectual equivalent of cotton candy, nothing but a sea of vapid insipidness. We endure either the zany antics of the Redneck Woman ... (For the record, Gretchen, leaving your Christmas lights on year round and saying, "Hell yeah," does not qualify for redneck status. Stab your boyfriend in the neck with a fork, then maybe we've got something.)
... or the utter emasculation of manhood:
And I know in the big picture
I'm just a speck of sand
and God's got better things to do
than look out for one man.
I know he's heard my prayers
cause he hears everything,
he just ain't answered back
or he'd bring you back to me.
God must be busy.
Ahhh, Brooks and Dunn? You're such pussies.
And while I'm on the subject, in keeping with the utter lameness of what passes for Nashville music, no cliched urban phrase may ever be claimed by a country singer until all shred of what might have once passed for cool is wrung out of it so that even your parents are well enough aware to banish it from their vocabulary, and won't use it even in an ironic sense.
As Trace Adkins croons, "...that honky tonk badonkadonk..."
I predict that in 2010, some Nashville songwriter will pen a song which will feature "Fo' shizzle, ma nizzle." As in, perhaps, "...Her steak can really sizzle" Seriously.
Aren't there any ... Oh, what's the word? ... Stirring? Provocative? ... country music songs out there anymore? Aren't there any real songwriters left in Nashville?
Well, as Hank Williams III (God bless his genes) tells us, "They're too busy kissin' ass on music row."
Or as Kev Russell of The Gourds once put it to his fans, "Nashville is the Death Star and Austin is the Federation Rebel Base."
Shimmy, shimmy cocoa puff, Dog.
3 comments:
hank the iii is just bitter, man. by his birthright, he should be dead by now. he's just a poseur grandaddy wannabe. yeah, he talks the talk, then goes and lives past 30. douche. besides, he's dead wrong.
lotsa good stuff on nashville radio. can't tell me this isn't deep, meaningful and look-you-straight-in-the-eye hones:
"Justice is the one thing you should always find
You got to saddle up your boys
You got to draw a hard line
When the gun smoke settles well sing a victory tune
Well all meet back at the local saloon
Well raise up our glasses against evil forces
Singing whiskey for my men, beer for my horses"
fuck evil forces. and who the hell is this kev russell? nashville the death star? austin the rebel base? my ass is the death star, and you rebels better run for cover!
Hank the Third a douche? You, Finchy, whoever the hell you are, are the douche! When we raise up our glasses against evil forces, we drink to your extermination, Finchy. We will get drunk as lords when your ass explodes in a thousand points of light!
"Alternative Americana, Folk, Anti-Folk, Roots Rock, Alt Country, Cowpunk and related genres..."
Was wondering if either psychotic deathgrass or postliterate cuntrabilly fusion fit into the category of related genres? hear some things are really popping in those often neglected genres. and what about postindustrial americana? is there a genre handbook one can order online? elucidate when time permits.
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